题⽬：How long does it take to get over a breakup
作者：Mona Chalabi
到底需要多久才能摆脱分⼿的阴影？ 好消息是 我已经为你做了研究。 坏消息是 你可能不喜欢这个答案。
See, a few years back, a number of publications were touting a study telling their readers that it takes 11 weeks to get over a breakup. That's nearly three months spent listening to depressing music while putting on a brave face. It might feel longer than it is, but it's only a few swipes on the calendar app. No big deal, right?
⼏年前， 许多出版物都在标榜⼀项研究, 告诉读者⼈们需要11周 才能摆脱分⼿的阴影。 这差不多是三个⽉时间 ⼀边听苦情歌， ⼀边装出⼀副勇敢的⾯孔。 这可能令⼈感觉很长， 但实际上也只需 在⽇历程序上轻扫⼏下。 没什么⼤不了的，对吧？
Well, unfortunately, it's not so straightforward. See, those articles drastically misrepresented that study. In fact, the study never said anything about how long it takes to get over a breakup. It only focused on the aftereffects of ending a relationship, specifically among undergrads, which is a whole other can of worms.
不幸的是， 这没那么简单。 这些⽂章在很⼤程度上 歪曲了那项研究。 事实上，这项研究并没有具体说 ⼤约需要多长时间才能从 分⼿的阴影⾥⾛出来。 它只专注分析了 结束⼀段感情的后果， 特别是⼤学⽣ 这个本⾝就⾮常复杂的群体。
To really answer that question of how long it takes to get over a breakup, you would need to do a longitudinal study, a study that would basically follow a ton of people from the moment of their breakup and track their progress year after year after year. But studies like that are expensive and complicated to carry out.
要真正回答这个关于 到底需要多久 才能摆脱分⼿的阴影的问题， 你需要做⼀个纵向研究， 这项研究会跟踪⼤量的⼈， 从他们分⼿的那⼀刻起， 年复⼀年地跟踪他们的进展。 但这样的研究既昂贵又复杂。
So with no adequate data, I decided to seek professional help. I went to couples therapists, Dr. Hod Tamir. He has anecdotal experience with countless people in relationships and, full disclosure, he was my couple’s therapist, too. So I asked him how long he thinks it takes to get over a breakup. "I don't think there is a magic number".
我没有⾜够的数据， 所以我决定寻求专业帮助。 我去找了婚姻⼼理咨询师 霍德·塔⽶尔医⽣。 他有与⽆数夫妻交往的经历， ⽽且，特别披露， 他也是我的婚姻⼼理医⽣。 所以我问他， 摆脱分⼿的阴影到底需要多久？ “我不认为有什么神奇的数字 可以回答这个问题。
If we feel like we can express ourselves in how we're feeling, we don't have to keep it bottled up. Once you're doing other things that you're engaged with and distracted by, then at some point you look back and like, 'Oh yeah, that's my ex.' And you notice that the feelings that you have are not as raw. You can bump into each other and not feel pain."
如果我们觉得我们可以 ⽤⾃⼰的感受来表达⾃⼰， 就不必把它憋在⼼⾥。 ⼀旦你开始做其他 让你投⼊并分⼼的事情， 然后在某个时候，你回过头来想， ‘哦，是的，那是我的前任。’ 你会注意到你的感觉 并不像原来那么痛⼼。 你们可以彼此碰⾯⽽不感到疼痛。”
And the data supports Dr. Tamir's theory. One study looked at different strategies for love regulation. In other words, can a few simple methods change how much you love someone? The study found that when participants were distracted into thinking about something other than their ex, like, their favorite hobby or ideal career, their love feelings for their ex stayed the same, but it did make them feel more pleasant. Using distractions to start to feel better is exactly what Dr.Tamir has suggested. The study also found that a negative reappraisal strategy, essentially remembering all of the shit things your ex said and did, does decrease love feelings for your ex. But it also makes you feel "unpleasant," and I'm guessing that means sad. Finally, a third, more zen strategy known as reappraisal of love feelings. For this, participants had to muse over statements like "Love is part of life" and "It's OK to love someone I'm no longer with." Yeah, that changed nothing at all for them.
数据是⽀持塔⽶尔医⽣的理论的。 ⼀项研究考察了 不同的爱情调节策略。 换句话说，⼀些简单的⽅法 能改变你爱⼀个⼈的程度吗？ 研究发现，当参与者分⼼思考 关于他们前任以外的事， ⽐如，他们的爱好或理想职业， 他们对前妻的感情并没有改变， 但这确实让他们感觉更愉快。 利⽤分⼼的⽅法来摆脱分⼿的痛苦 正是塔⽶尔医⽣所建议的。 研究还发现 ⼀种消极的重新评估策略，基本上回想所有 你前任说的不堪过往， 会减少你对前任的爱。 但这也会让你感到“不愉快” 我猜这意味着悲伤。 最后，第三种更为佛系的策略， 即重新评估爱情感觉。 这种策略要求参与者 必须仔细思考以下陈述： “爱是⽣活的⼀部分” 还有“爱⼀个不再和我 在⼀起的⼈没关系”。 是的，这对他们来说没有任何改变。
Overall, the researchers concluded, and I'm not using the scientific language here, that concentrating on the bad things about your ex can help you to feel less in love. While distracting yourself with other subjects, as my therapist suggested, can actually make you feel better. However, the research and Dr. Tamir would both tell you that while distraction is good in the short term, it is not a long-term solution.
总的来说，研究⼈员得出结论， 简单来说， 专注于你前任做过的不好的事情 可以帮助你减少爱的感觉。 但⽤其他话题分散注意⼒， 就像我⼼理治疗师所讲 实际上可以让你感觉更好。 然⽽，研究和塔⽶尔博⼠都会告诉你 虽然分散注意⼒ 在短期内会有帮助， 但并不是长久之计。
"Taking that time to process and understand it is actually a much quicker way to heal than ignoring it." Eventually, for the sake of ourselves and our future partners, we're going to have to face up to our feelings.
“花时间去处理和理解它 实际上，这是⼀种⽐忽视它更快的治愈⽅式。” 最终，为了我们⾃⼰ 和我们未来的伙伴， 我们必须正视⾃⼰的感受。
So how long does it take to get over a breakup? Well, we don't have enough long-term studies to know. But more importantly, I’ve learned that instead of counting down the days, we're much better off reconnecting with the things we love to do. Finding something to distract us and unpacking our feelings when we're ready. If we can do all that, then one day hopefully we'll come out of it feeling OK. And in the end, isn't that what we're really after?
所以从分⼿的阴影中⾛出来 到底需要多久？ 我们没有⾜够的长期研究 来告诉我们答案。 但更重要的是， 我学到了与其数⽇度尽春夏秋冬， 不如投⾝于到我们热爱的事情。 找点东西分散我们的注意⼒ 当我们准备好的时， 释放我们的感情。 如果我们能做到这⼀切， 终有⼀天我们会⾛出来的。 最后，这不正是我们想要的吗？
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